My Dance With Creativity

Every time I get down to write, the most subtle surge of fear comes over me. My brain is literally so wired to be scared of everything that even the thought of writing sends fear shooting down my spine or wherever. Yesterday, I was filing some paperwork, and despite the chaos, that is a psych hospital. I had this sense of calm that came over it. It was so subtle and only lasted for a second, but it was strong enough that I noticed.

For just a moment, I was able to breathe again for the first time, maybe in my life. That sounds dramatic, but just for a moment, even though there’s always so much to worry about, I wasn’t worried. Even now, I almost felt pulled to start listing all the things I need to worry about, but I won’t subject myself to such torture.

That is the thing about my mind. It has probably been in charge for my whole life. So when it came down to exploring my own creativity, it has proven to be damn impossible. I am not so sure you can think your way to the well that is creativity. I’ve read somewhere that instead, you are open to creativity, and it finds you, and it is up to you to decide to take on the challenge.

I have heard many stories like this but have yet to experience such a magical thing, but I will say for certain that I am open to it. How amazing, the concept is that a creative idea is just waiting to find the perfect vessel in which it will be able to express itself. I really love the idea of that and hope to experience it myself someday.

Until then, I continue to explore my own creativity, and that means exploring the deepest depths of myself that are attainable for me.

I have been grasping for things that are just out reach for a really long time. Unable to accept that maybe it was not for me. Or maybe I was not quite ready for whatever it was I asking for. Like winning the lottery and blowing it all so quickly because I just wasn’t ready to have that kind of money. That is really the only way I can describe my life.

I know that I have dreams they kind of run just beneath the surface of maybe my universe. I can feel them kind of waiting for me. Sounds strange but I lack the correct words to describe it. It makes a lot of sense to me now what Ive read. That I must prepare myself for all the things that I have asked for.

In a way a creative idea needs to know that I am serious. Needs to know that our collaboration will come into fruition if it does in fact choose me. Isn’t the idea of being chosen in that way kind of beautiful. I think it is. However, my lack of self worth through out the years plays into that but then again would make the experience that much sweeter.

For so long I have been too afraid to have hope. Too afraid of looking forward to something in fear that it will be ripped away. My daughter almost dying, my graduation date being ripped away from me a year ago. All this shit I have endured since I was pregnant with my daughter has really wired my brain in a non productive way. I know that my mind did what it had to do to keep me going so that I could get to this point.

No I can’t say that I have it all figured out. I just know there has been the tiniest shift. That when I take into consideration that I can set aside the limitations of the mind and tap into something much more, there are possibilities there when before I felt there were none. I can’t say for certain how to tap into whatever it is I am talking about. Maybe the awareness is enough for now.

Art is an act of tuning in and dropping down a well. At least that is what Julia Cameron said.

We shall see.

XOXO

Brittany