Fear and Pregnancy
It was never my dream to grow and be a mother. I am not one of those women that is great with kids. I like some of them, but really I only care for the ones that aren’t total assholes. Even then I am happy I always got to leave to go back to my own space. Saying all of this sounds like I am not absolutely thrilled to be a mother to my daughter but I am. She is already my best friend, poor girl will have a friendship bracelet on before she can say she doesn’t want it haha. I always come on a little too strong and I am pretty sure that won’t change just because it is my daughter. I still worry about losing myself because I will be taking care of my family. I know how incredibly selfish that sounds but even now I miss the girl I use to be and I don’t see that feeling going away.
I, like so many others before me, has labeled motherhood as some sort of prison sentence. I don’t blame myself for that though. I hear nothing but horror stories. The no sleep, and constant worry, not to mention the fact that all of the responsibilities fall on the mom and always will. Then you have the movies and tv show portraying how awful it is. There are very few people in this world that talk about the beauty of being a mother and simply talk about how terrible it is, and as a first time mother it is scary and disheartening. I remember someone saying to me “YAY, I am so happy for you. Now your life is over.” Uh thanks lady. I don’t want to think about it like that. I want to enjoy it and appreciate the miracle that it happening right now and will continue to happen the rest of my life. I am in awe of my growing belly and feeling her moving around in there is by far the coolest thing I have experienced in my entire life.
She has already changed my life in so many ways just by being here, and I love her. I believe that is my first lesson on unconditional love. I am not naive to think that it should all be easy, but I also don’t need a constant reminder of how hard and scary it all is. Growing up I know my parents loved me, but somewhere along the way I picked up the notion that in order to be loved I had to do something good, great even. I had to do something to make me worth loving. I am not sure when it all came to fruition, but it is still something that I struggle with today. I want to bring peace and joy into this experience. I want to provide a safe and comfortable place for my child since the world can be such a cruel and ugly place. My child is already so loved, and I want that to continue, because that is what the world needs more of. The world needs more joy, peace, love and kindness.
I believe I will seek advice when I want it but I believe mostly I will listen to myself. I have very little is any trust left in the system. The system we live in is meant to keep us stuck, limited and afraid. I know that if I look up anything about this pregnancy I am usually stricken with fear. My thoughts then spiral and I add it to the ever growing list of things that could go wrong. Some would call it denial, the way I stay away from a lot of information but the way I see it is I can deal with it when it comes up. I am aware of my fears, and I am working on not ignoring them. I use to try to find good in EVERYTHING. I went from being impossibly pessimistic, to impossibly optimistic. It was definitely a time in my life when spiritual bypassing was a common theme. I wanted to feel better, I wanted my life to be better, I was doing everything I possibly could, except be honest with myself. So I am not naive to the things that can happen but I actively choosing not to dwell on them.
I will keep focusing on the good and stop anticipating fear but instead give fear a chance to speak then move on.
Sending you all my love.
Brittany