I Wish They Would Have Told Me
I am so different than who I was in my 20’s and sometimes I find myself wondering if everyone is like that. I remember trying so hard for other people in my 20’s. I needed to be there for everyone. I needed to make sure everyone was happy. Looking back now it makes me so sad because there is not one person back then that gave a damn about me. I did not see it though. For a long time I just wanted everyone to be happy. I am not sure exactly when it all changed. Maybe after my breakup and I lost pretty much everything and everyone. I wouldn’t say I stopped caring about people, I just realized that no one was caring about me, and that was it’s own heart break in itself.
I was in so many weddings. I went to so many baby showers, and boring kids birthdays. I didn’t have kids but I could see how people distanced themselves from people that pregnant, especially if they weren’t. I knew I didn’t want to be that kind of friend. Besides I could drink my wine and still have a conversation with my pregnant friend. I didn’t want to cut them out of my life simply because we weren’t going through the same life experience. I made sure to not abandon my friends. Again, that was really just a one-sided thing. Now I am not some kind of victim. I suppose I just want to mention that it hurts.
Maybe it is best that I didn’t know what the outcome would be, because the result would be me being a terrible person and a terrible friend and that’s not what I want. I am grateful for the time I had with each and every person that use to be a part of my life. I don’t need to analyze the fact that these people are no longer in my life, but instead I need to accept it and move on which for the most part I have but being pregnant now is really lonely and I suppose I am grateful that none of the people of my past had to feel like everyone abandoned them. Maybe they were fine, maybe I am the sensitive one. All I know is that I feel alone now.
It is hard to make friends especially in your 30’s. I don’t think I have any old friends. I have talked about it before that there was a time in my life when I realized that if I didn’t make the effort the friendship would fizzle out. So I let them. No one wants a one sided friendship and it was all a lot of wasted energy towards the end. I think I was angry for a little bit but today I am sad. I was single for like 7 years. I lived alone and did not really do a lot and you know what I was really really happy. To be alone but still be surrounded by people is another beast. It is really painful and makes me long for the days that I was alone. However, my journey is not to blame other people for the way I feel. The goal here is to explore whatever has changed inside of me.
I keep giving my power away and I don’t even realize it before it is too late. Why does my world fall apart if something goes astray in my life? It shouldn’t. At least it shouldn’t for me. I have no interest in controlling or blaming the people around me which is actually something I struggle with because I always want to prevent something bad from happening. Even I know this is impossible but to no avail I still try. Not to mention my self esteem have plummeted. Maybe because I use to be so independent and I just am not anymore. Again my self worth shouldn’t be tied to anything. I should just know my worth, but there is a block there. It is no one’s jobs to cater to this, or make me feel better. I suppose it is my expectations that often let me down. Maybe that says a lot about who I am surrounded by or maybe it says even more about me.
I suppose my 20’s would have gone on much differently but then again it is why I am the person I am today. She struggles yes but my compassion and love for others is unwavering. My pain is not an excuse to be a victim but instead has served as a learning tool to become the best version of myself.
There are still many things to work on but my awareness is half the battle.
xoxo
Brittany