I Guess I am Searching For Me

My life tends to change on its own. It never really changes because I make it happen. Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason why change is always so painful in my life. Changes always comes with great losses. When my sisters husband died everything changed. That was in 2018 and sometimes I still find myself wishing everything would go back to the way it was. Everything was easier then. Maybe that was the problem. I was just too complacent. Sometimes I believe I stayed with myself for so long was because I was so afraid of someone taking away parts of me. It is true though. In order to be in a relationship, a longterm ones at least, you have to make compromises. It has come to my attention that I really don’t enjoy compromises haha! I live a completely different life now and while I am keep grasping at parts of me I wonder if those parts are supposed to be gone forever. I simply don’t know. Am I reluctant to do my yoga practice, because I am meant for something else or am I just lazy because I’m pregnant?

I have this rare opportunity in my life to really build something. However, my mind has become a complete blank. I have had all the time in the world to engulf myself in my yoga practice but I didn’t. Yeah I am still working on my Master’s degree but that is still a very small portion of my life. It is not true that I am doing nothing, but at the same time it feels that way. I am searching for something but I don’t know what it is. I think I am searching for me. I would say that everything I built is no longer here but honestly I have never built anything. I remember once having an amazing job, and I finally bought my dream truck that is still in the parking garage. I love that truck, and smile every time I look at it. Today I am selling the truck to my fiancé’s son, and I fell like another piece of me is being taken. It is just a material thing, and once the baby comes it wouldn’t be practical anyways, but I don’t know it again feels like I am slipping away again. I live in the city where I would have never lived on my own. I’ll no longer have the truck that I love. I just fear that I am starting to live someone else’s life, but no matter how much I keep searching for me I can’t find anything. I wonder if the Universe is stripping away the external stuff so I can define myself by what is on the inside. My job, my life, my truck, these things were all me, even though they really weren’t. I never even realized I don’t understand who me is. I never even noticed I was looking until now.

I live in this beautiful apartment, at the center of downtown. I am still not a city girl but the experience has been a lovely one. It will be cool to say. “Yes I lived in the city for awhile.” I can’t say that I’ve met a lot of good people here but I am learning a lot about coexisting peacefully in a world with people that are very different than me. The truth is not everyone is good, not everyone means well, and some people are out there just to hurt you. Drugs are rampant here, people have so much meaningless sex and everyone is keeping a secret. Honestly it often seems like the Devil’s playground here and it is getting to the point where I have had enough. Living in the city in a way was like being in high school again. There is drama, and gossip. It is all so superficial. I had been away from all of that for so long, so it has been strange to witness it all again. I have witnessed how some people really don’t grow and most likely never will. I don’t say this from my high horse. In fact I’ve spent a lot of my time being drunk on wine. That is until I found out about my pregnancy. I don’t miss the drinking, but I know that I am ready to move on from the city life. I miss nature. I want a yard, and a garden. I don’t want to walk the dog and have to run into someone that I don’t like. I believe that I have compromised who I am for long enough, and I wonder how it will change my life to make the change.

I believe that I am trying to cling on to the girl that I use to be. In some ways I am still that girl, but some of my experiences, and looking down and seeing this baby bump, I am starting to accept that some chapters have closed even if I wasn’t ready for them to. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that I most likely will never conform to the world around me and I hope that my fiancé is still okay with that. Maybe the secret right now is to live in the moment and in this moment I feel lost, hopeful, happy the semester is over and heartbroken to be selling my truck today.

Brittany