Practicing Balance & Listening To The Heart

For years and years I have looked at myself as a project. This left with a sense of unworthiness that left a hole inside. It was the heaviness I carried for so long. It was not until my mentor told me to not give it the attention demanded that my life truly began to feel lighter.

I have swung from one end of the spectrum to the other. I was like a leaf in an unpredictable windstorm. I have let life take me in whatever direction that it wanted. I had zero direction and I lazily labeled it as going with the flow. The truth is I was powerless or that is what I believed. I did not understand what this world wanted from me and now that I am writing it that seems like the wrong question to be asking. The better question is…What do I want from this world? Once I realized I did not want to be a weak, powerless pushover I began fighting my world aggressively. It was surprising to me that I found myself in the exact same position I had been in when I took no action at all.

Tomorrow Feb 28th, will be a year since my daughter was rushed to Texas Children’s where we would find out that she was born with a heart defect and it was missed. She would not leave the hospital without open heart surgery. My world stopped. The fear was too great and yet I was being asked to carry it. The truth is those two weeks still haunt me. Especially that very first day Feb 28th. The mental images of seeing my daughter that way hooked up to everything in the emergency room and there was NOTHING I could do. I could not comfort her, I could not hold her, and she was only 9 months. She was ripped out of my arms into a room would the words “ Resuscitation Room” printed on it.

The world likes to spew out platitudes like “ God does not give you things that you cannot handle” I honestly think it is complete bull shit. That experience was too hard not just for me but for my daughter. I will not sit here and tell you that I found the silver lining in this journey. I am only grateful that her life was saved. I do not want this for my daughter but I am very grateful that she is here with me and that I can walk this journey with her. No matter how hard it was for me, I cannot help but be aware of how much harder it is and will be for her. I am still grateful that she is alive, healthy and thriving. I am grateful to the doctors who saved her life. I am grateful she chose me to be her mother.

This time last year I was falling apart but I kept pushing. I needed to graduate. I needed to be there for my family. The one thing I didn’t care to do was take care of myself. I fought for normalcy only it was not there. The life I had before was not longer there and I had to give it up. I did not know that then but I know that now. The more I fought the worse I got. Everything fell apart.

I am still not graduated. I still intend to be a Therapist. A mindblowingly awesome one but I will stop fighting the system so hard. If the path is not for me there are other options. This will not END me.

I put all of my eggs in one basket and that left me feeling extremely desperate.

I can still choose to see the exploitation in the mental health field but choose to not be a part of that in any way.

There is magic that happens when you start to focus on balance and the heart. A sense of calm washes over you in a way that truly makes you feel less alone in the world.

I am excited to see what is to come and will be back to share an update.

xoxo

Brittany