The Push & Pull Of Abandonment Issues

I don’t write this article to shit all of over the people who struggle with abandonment issues but instead to simply describe what it looks like. This isn’t even some lesson that I learned in my fancy Master’s program either. I say that because it is incredibly annoying when students, especially students like myself who are aspiring to be a therapist, spout off a bunch of “knowledge” cause they read it in a book or something. No my experience has nothing to do with what I have learned in school. In fact we never even covered this particular topic in school. Life is truly my best teacher, and also my knack for always making the wrong choices. I pride myself in the fact that I can always manage to learn lessons the hardest way possible (haha). It makes the lesson stick.

But back to the topic at hand. You can do a quick google search and you can see a clear map of what a relationship looks like when there is an underlying issue concerning abandonment. Because the universe is so very cruel some times, two very special people can meet and it is the perfect recipe for a relationship to form in which the exhausting push and pull phenomenon can occur. The two ingredients for this magical union requires two people : Person A: The one who is conscious of their fear of abandonment and unconscious in regards to their fear of intimacy. Person B: The one who is conscious of their fear of intimacy but unconscious when it comes to their fear of abandonment. The fact that two such people could even cross each other’s path is cruel in my opinion, but in my personal opinion it is only the act of God that this can occur because we all have soul contracts that must be fulfilled so that we can learn, grow, evolve, and move on becoming better stronger wiser beautiful people. With all that being said it is still bull shit :)

So this unions happens and after spending some time together and having your fun the stages start, the never ended cycle that is the push and pull between these two poor souls. These are clear actual stages that you can find on so many websites and I was shocked with how accurate they were.

Stage 1: Someone will pursue someone

No matter how it plays out Person A & B will meet and like each other for whatever reason. However, someone will play hard to get (that will be me in this situation haha)

Stage 2: So much bliss

There will be communication, laughter, even gifts. It will be awesome, both will totally forget their fears and they will feel awesome being together. I love this stage. You are so oblivious to every thing.

Stage 3: Withdrawal

Then someone ultimately starts to withdrawal from the relationship. People will argue that one person will do this but in my experience both can absolutely do this. One way or the other fear of intimacy takes over and it is way too serious and you need to pull away. In an effort to reduce the intensity one person becomes distant. That distance will for sure trigger the fear of abandonment in the other person and lord Jesus things start to truly unravel.

Stage 4: Repelling

The person who is already doing whatever they can to water down the intensity, how now freaked out the other person so they instinctually start to pursue the person because they don’t want this person to leave them. Oh so true and so cringe looking back at my own behavior during this. So one is looking needy AF, and the other one just wants to be left alone and it’s just putting a great wedge in between the both of them.

Stage 5: Distancing

Eventually the person pursuing will get fed up and stop pursuing. For me personally it didn’t take that long for me to stop. Yeah I didn’t want him to leave me of course, so I was trying to be like super helpful and super not annoying. It didn’t matter, he was still a jerk and I could be so freaking nice but it seriously didn’t matter. Nothing I could have done would have worked. So for me a switch basically switch and I was like umm fuck you and fuck this lol Yeah I was real mad.

Stage 6: Reconciliation

I assume you know what happens next but I will tell you anyways. When I backed off cause duh I am a lady, and not a needy person that needs to be catering to any man like that, all of that pushing me away that he just HAD to have actually starting working, suddenly I wasn’t so attentive, and he got all that space he just HAD to have, only he didn’t want it anymore. In fact that space he worked so hard for literally started to freak him out. Annoying. Once I pulled away there he is extending some sort of olive branch, some sort of nice gesture to let me know he still loves me and doesn’t hate my guts like he would have me believe for like months. I don’t want to lose him probably for a variety of different reasons, cause despite him being a total ass he has lots of great qualities too so I let him back in. Maybe it is stupid maybe it isn’t but either way we forgive each other and everything is good again.

Stage 7: Harmony

It is good for the most part for usually awhile, at least in my experience. That is until someone starts to pull away for whatever reason and it all starts over again.

Fun times.

Do I think these types of relationships are doomed. No not really. Do some end? Yes of course they do especially is no one understands what is going on and the fears just take over. I can look back on my own experience and blame only the guy. I mean he was a total ass, it would be easy to do that. However, when I really looked at it I realized how I was playing my role in the whole thing and I had my fears as well.

In order to break any cycle you have to be willing to do soemthing different. Did I eventually wake up when I was being needy and pathetic, yeah I woke cause I knew that I wasn’t being me. Remembering who I am at my core, and being able to honor the person that I know that I am helped me to overcome any fear in regards to my relationship ending. I knew that a break up would hurt me, but it most certainly wouldn’t break me and I had to remember that going forward.

I would never say end the relationship, or run far away as fast as you can. I am also no a therapist (yet) so I don’t really have a lot of enlightening advice that could help you. Ultimately, don’t be willing to give your power away. Know that you have value, even if you don’t always feel like you do. In the end, remember that you will be okay.

Lots of love to you!

Brittany