Insecurities…Front & Center
Yesterday I saw a video online that made me laugh harder than I have laughed in SUCH A LONG TIME!!! I laughed to hard that I actually cried, but then I really cried cause I was so happy to be laughing because that’s pregnancy for you hahaha. I worry so much day to day. I worry about my health, the health of my partner, our baby, my family, my dog. I am always worried about what will come next. I have gone from not caring about much, to trying to control every single thing, to now a recovering control freak haha. I am learning to pick my battles, and sit with the anxiety if there is something going on that I don’t particularly like. It’s never easy to admit that you aren’t perfect haha. Although I like tell my partner that I totally am lol. It may not be easy to admit our mistakes but my goodness we definitely should not hate ourselves for them.
I am creating this space where people can get together and be like “oh yeah that’s totally me too” and not have to feel bad about it. My life is not perfect, far from it. I am usually flailing about with no direction. I laid in bed the other night and literally said out like “I don’t know anything.” I mean if you really give it some thought there is very little that we all know and are sure of. The uncertainty can be scary but honestly I am attempting to just go with the flow. While I like to have an idea of where I am headed, I have fully embraced of not understanding the process. I was stagnant for a really long time. Maybe I needed to be because of where I am headed but either way I used that time to shed light on some things that I may have been running from. Who am I kidding…. things I was definitely running from.
My insecurities have come front and center. I use to think I was a person with no insecurities. I was either blind to them or really I didn’t have many. Either way I was not suffering when it came to being insecure. It was blissful and I miss that. Now I am in therapy having to talk out loud and admit to the fact that yes sometimes I do forget that I am fabulous, and that sometimes I do feel threatened when I see a beautiful educated woman who most people see as the type of woman that my fiancé should be with. I am the Dharma to his Greg, and people are not shy at all about pointing that out.
I love that me and my partner are not the same. It is not always easy but we both get to be who we are and that is what is important. I don’t know why he loves me, in fact some days I wonder how he could and then I convince myself that he will leave me for someone that is more like him… then ultimately I get clingy, needy, and a whole mess of other crap and wonder why he is so annoyed lol. Insecurities are a bitch and maybe that is why I want to be a part of the movement that reunites women. Society pulled us apart and we fell for it. Even feminist, some not all, who should empower all women fall into the trap of criticizing women who do not think the way they do. Yes, women can have it all, but that “all” looks different for everyone. I think I needed to get out of the work force to realize that my job and money do not define who I am. I needed to learn the importance of who I am without anything. I needed to learn the value of both the working corporate mother, and the mother who chooses to stay at home and take care of her family. BOTH are valuable and BOTH are important. I did nothing but work, and now that I am pregnant and I don’t have to go to the office everyday I am grateful and have more respect for the women that do go to the office everyday while pregnant. How?! I am so tired just from not sleeping, I couldn’t imagine having to do everything else on top of my shit sleep! So to everyone single mom and every single woman out there, MY GOSH YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB! No matter where you are or what your life looks like you are doing amazing!
I know that my insecurities are no ones fault. I should not be threatened by the hot beautiful successful woman, I should be happy for her I should celebrate her! I know that that, but I am not in therapy for nothing. I am learning to understand why I feel her success means that I am less than. Why do I see myself as “just a student” when I can cheer for another woman going after life goals later in her life? Why do I feel like I should be more successful, but it is totally okay for someone a decade older than me to not have it all figured out? I don’t allow myself the same grace as I do with other people and I don’t know why and its annoying lol.
But, I keep moving forward because life never stops for us. I can accept that I am not perfect and I will never be but I can absolutely improve myself so that I can bring value to my own life and everyone that crosses my path. I want to be a better person simply because I want to make the world a better place. There is a lot of darkness on this planet and I don’t want to be a part of that anymore!
Sending you love and joy!
Brittany