Being Honest About Accountability

It was a really busy week. I had some testing and interviews to do at my University so I was traveling. It was an intense trip so I am so glad to be home. It is cold and cloudy here in Houston, and I am just so ready for spring. I am always ready for spring and summer and I am never ready for colder weather if I am being honest. I have had so much on my mind lately just in regards to this baby and my relationship. It is so strange how we can lose ourselves when people enter our lives. When I was single a living alone it was easy to just be me. There was no one there to influence me in anyway. Now I have my partner and a baby on the way and I suppose I am trying to accept this new version of myself, while still keeping in tact the importance of not losing me.

I suppose it is a whole other question, defining who “Me” actually is, but I don’t think I will dive into that here. When I look at my partner, I often wonder if he is even happy. I wonder what I can do to help him if he is struggling, and then I wonder if I simply need to give him space. especially if he doesn’t want to talk about anything. I always wonder what I can do, but I have to remind myself that I can’t do everything for someone. I have a tendency to be the rescuer, or at least try to be. I want people to be happy and I jump in a sometimes that just makes things worse. Why is it that I insist that I am responsible for my own happiness, and yet if someone seems unhappy I feel like I need to do soemthing about it? I am trying to live my life in a way where I bring value to not only myself but anyone that is in my life, and that includes my partner. Why is it that I am not holding others to this very same standard. If someone is unhappy I believe it would be there responsibility to explore that and then talk to me about what they need or do not need. I should not be exhausting myself, in an effort to make someone else happy.

Now when I say that I don’t mean act in whatever way I want. I take others feelings into consideration when I make my choices. What I mean is that if there is something my partner needs, or something that he doesn’t like, it is his job to tell me, and not my job if figure it out. I dated someone one once who was extremely toxic. I bent over backwards trying to be everything that he wanted me to be, but NOTHING ever made him happy. The simple truth was that he just didn’t want to be with me. that was evident when he cheated on me and dumped me lol. I knew it wasn’t working and yet I stayed. So when I start to see anything like that again I tend to freak out. Not because I am afraid to be alone, or even a single mom, I simply can’t imagine having to feel that sort of pain again. The pain of not being enough when I have given everything.

This is not exactly happening now, but those insecurities have definitely began to creep in more and more. I am so happy to be thriving in my pregnancy . I love my little growing family, and yet my partner sometimes doesn’t seem like he is all in. He is so excited to meet our daughter, but when it comes to true partnership, I feel he is struggling with that. Maybe it is fear, maybe it is all in my head, I honestly don’t know but soemthing definitely feels…. off. I have come to a point in my life where I just want peace, and happiness. I am so sick of the fear. The fear of getting hurt, the fear of being knocked off my feet with some painful information. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and when you do that it does change who you are. I am not sure how much of these are because of my pregnancy, and my past, just in my head, and how much of this is genuinely real.

I’ve often ask myself “What can I give myself that my partner isn’t giving me?” I wonder if this is a dangerous road to go down. Am I no longer willing to go my partner for my needs? Am I created a wedge by doing this? Or, am I simply taking accountability for things I should be doing for myself anyways. I believe that this is something worth exploring. In one of my classes we were asked to watch in my opinion the saddest clip ever in the history of Pixar movies. Carl and Ellie in the movie Up share a beautiful life together. They show that even through the toughest times they didn’t turn on each other but instead were simply there for each other. They brought value into each others life. They exemplify what love and a partnership can be. It’s a beautiful scene but also heartbreaking. I bring this up because when I look at my partner now I wonder if I am bringing value to his life. Lately, it doesn’t seem like it. It is important for me to remember though that I not carry all the burden here.

It is so easy for me to take all the blame. To hold myself accountable but not my partner. I could list a million faults of my own that could very well be the reason why my partner seems so unhappy lately. Maybe it is partly me, but what if it isn’t? I am not writing this blog to shit all over my partner, nor to divulge the issues in my relationships. Instead, I am demonstrating the inner dialogue that I am currently struggling with. As I have stated before, my goal is to simply share my story, and to hopefully help others to feel less alone. I am not here to give advice, but instead to simply build a space where it is okay to talk about the uncomfortable stuff. I can share what works for me and what hasn’t but ultimately it is about having the courage to look at the darker aspects of ourselves and our experience and addressing them.

I am off to organize the spice cabinet and pantry… not sure why but that’s what I am gonna do today! haha Is this the nesting I keeping hearing about? Or, is 30 weeks pregnant too early for that?

I hope you have a beautiful week!

Brittany