It’s Hard to Imagine Myself as a Mother

I was never one of those girls that grew up knowing I wanted kids. I know I will get a lot of shit about saying that but I mean no disrespect for those struggling with infertility. To those struggling with infertility I send you so much love, and so many prayers. That being said, I never could imagine myself as a mother. Even now with this big belly growing I still can’t imagine being a mother. That doesn’t mean that every time I look down or feel her kick I feel a love that I never did before. I am still in awe everyday I wake up. I still can’t believe this gorgeous baby chose me to be her mother. Sometimes I wonder why the world works the way it does. Why those who want kids so badly and struggle so hard to get pregnant, and then there are those like me who weren’t necessarily trying and it came as quite a surprise.

I can’t help but wonder if I am meant to discover about myself that I otherwise couldn’t have. It is safe to admit that I didn’t think I had it in me to be a mother. I didn’t think I was strong enough. I still have that fear but now I have a sense of determination to protect my baby and my family at all cost. I’m afraid but there is courage there that I didn’t have before when it was just me. It was not secret that I was a pretty selfish person, but not in a bad way. I believe a healthy dose of selfishness is something that we should all invest in. I didn’t consider myself really a care taker, but I see now in some ways I always have been. I was there for people when they needed me. If someone was sick I would bring the chicken soup. If someone needed to talk I was there to listen. This is still true today but there is baby that I created with my partner and there are just no words really to describe that.

I imagined myself traveling solo. In fact I had been burned so many times that I had finally accepted that in this life I was meant to be alone. I accepted it and I was not afraid of that path. In fact I embraced it and found that I was much happier not wondering if I would meet the right person. It was no longer something I thought about. I have always known I wanted to create a life outside of the matrix. I know that I am still trying to create that and while I don’t know what the hell I am doing, it is all part of the process.

I use to mourn the old life that I had. It was simple and there was no one around that could judge me. Now I am in unfamiliar territory. Relationships are hard and I am constantly worried about mine. Living in the city is hard for me, it is incredibly lonely for a girl like me. Being pregnant is beautiful but it is not easy either. My body is not really mine right now. I am always worried. Worried about my health my baby’s health, my partner’s health. I am not saying all of this to complain, just to shed light on how different everything is for me now. I was in a position where I was always first, I could put myself first because it was just me. Now, I understand how easy it is to put yourself on the back burner, to make sure everyone is taken care and then you can do for yourself.

I am learning to plan out my day and to make sure I am making time for just me as well. I know that if I abandon myself I am no good to anyone else. I want to spend more time living and less time worrying. It isn’t easy to be surrounded by people who don’t understand you or your choices. Yes I want to scream about my baby from the roof tops, but I know what I am doing is not conventional. I am already surrounded by people I cannot and will not relate to. I can’t image being judged for my choices as a mother. That is why I have enjoyed just being pregnant in my small circle. Where I can take in the information that I want to take in and remain oblivious to the horror stories out there. I am not naive. I have educated myself and know the risks, but it is okay to not focus on those risk but instead enjoy my baby, my body, and our journey.

Much Love

Brittany