Reacting and Responding

I have been very conscious of responding and reacting. Most of the time I react out of anger, and usually that anger is covering up some deeper emotion. I know it sounds like I am putting too much thought into but I suppose that is what years of therapy will do. I also do these breathing exercises for 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night. While I am not sure I am integrating much emotion which is what the practice is for, I am very aware of what my thought patterns have become. I am mostly thinking of possible scenarios in the future, and they aren’t good ones either. This puts me in a constant state of stress of worry, and is probably the reason why I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I have been that way for the longest time. Like none else I don’t like to be in pain. Logically I know that it can’t be avoided because a lot of what life is about is the pain that comes with it. What I am learning now is that it is okay for me to know painful experiences can happen but I need to learn to enjoy my life now, and I need to know that I am strong enough to not fall apart when bad things happen. I have lived in fear for so long and while it is so hard to not do that in the world today, I still want to face this world with joy, and be fearless when darkness tries to destroy me.

It was an important lesson for me to realize just how toxic radical positivity is. For a long time I was on this mission to only see the good, and set out to only look for the good in others. There is nothing wrong with this and something I still practice with people that I don’t particularly care for but it can’t be on such a radical level. While I can have empathy for everyone that I cross paths with, that doesn’t mean that I have to engage in hopes of shining my own light on them. Sometimes people do not want to feel better, act better, or take responsibility for their actions and that really isn’t my business. My only job is to be the best person that I can be in everyone moment. I choose to better myself everyday, while I make mistakes because I am human I still ultimately want to be a better person.

If my brain is working overdrive on creating these horrible future scenarios than it makes since that I not only try to control my environment to prevent bad things from happening but I also will quickly react if my fear is triggered. I am learning to sit with my uncomfortable emotions, and when I find myself wanting to snap, well I try not to. I have been able to do it a couple of times but lets just say there is a learning curve :)

The truth is I have no idea what the future holds. I just know that I don’t want to be afraid of the future. I want to appreciate the beauty in my life now, because if any of it is fleeting than I want to know that I enjoyed it all while it lasted. People change everyday, some grow and others don’t but its not my business to try and help others to grow when they don’t want to. Before pregnancy I was a selfish drunk. It wasn’t until I had to change that I did, so I am not on my high horse here. It literally took a pregnancy to make changes in my own life, and while I am grateful that the changes were not hard for me, in the back of my mind I know that I needed to get my shit together long before my baby was conceived.

I don’t mourn the days of being a mindless drunk, but I do mourn my old life sometimes. Only I’m not looking at it as a loss because the love I feel now in my life is something unmeasurable. However, the constant worry I have for those in my life including the baby that is on the way is exhausting. I want everyone to be okay, I want everyone to grow and change with me so we can move on to bigger and better things but unfortunately it isn’t always that easy.

I am praying for everyone and may blessing rain down on you each and every single day.

Brittany