Where Has The Magic Gone

I have always been curious about who expect me to justify my choices to them, as if they have any say so in my life choices. What is even more peculiar is that these people are usually the ones that have very little to do with my everyday like. I never see them or talk to them but if they catch wind of some choice of mine that they don’t agree with they jump at the chance to reach out and tell me about how concerned they are. I don’t think that most people are malicious. I think that people just don’t know how to express their opinion in a respectable manner. There was only a small part of my life when I tried to fit in. When I finally realized that was never going to happen to happen I embraced being different. Being different however is really really lonely sometimes. I would be lying if I said that being constantly challenged but my choices wasn’t exhausting because it is. Somedays just for once it would be so amazing to just talk about something and not have to defend myself, or feel I have to.

Most of the time I just keep quiet now. It seems that everyone else has the same opinion and I constantly hear the same argument, and if I do ever feel like explaining my side the other person usually has no interest in listening. I can physically see them thinking about what they can say next, and they aren’t even listening to me. The one sided conversations are getting so old. I don’t do small talk and yet it is what I am surrounded by almost constantly. No one really wants to understand me, they just want me to change my decisions so they can feel more comfortable with their own choices, and honestly I am not here to make anyone comfortable. Especially since no one cares if I am comfortable or not. I don’t agree with most of the things I hear but I have no interest in trying to make someone feel bad for their choices, and I always wonder how people get to this point.

I have to longing to connect with people that are like me. People who want to talk about more than just the days weather, or how drunk they got last night. Sometimes it seems that I am moving forward and embracing what lies ahead but I am surrounded by stagnation. It is heartbreaking to be so excited about the future but you have to understand that some people just aren’t in the position to move ahead with you. To leave someone behind not because they did anything but because it’s simply time is a different kind of heartbreak for me. At least if someone pisses me off I can be mad at them, but when someone does nothing all I know is that I will miss them. Anger is easier for sit with.

I think I am desiring passion only there is little evidence of it in my life. The more you want to feel seen or heard the less you get. It is so weird how that works out sometimes. Somedays I wonder if I weren’t around would anyone even notice? Would it make much of a difference? What a sad reality. I sort of go about my day alone. I vent to people even though I know they don’t want to hear it. I often wonder what I am grasping for.

Everything is really different now. It is like how a relationship loses its luster after you have been together so long. Why does the luster have to go away? How do I get it back? It is like getting dressed up only for it to go unnoticed by your partner. Again such a sad thought but often what I feel these days. I need depth in everything and everything seems so superficial right now. Even I am guilty of thinking that things will get better once something happens. Like everything will be better once we move, or everything will better when something else occurs. The truth is that isn’t the case. I am trying to find the answers now so that these issues aren’t following me. I am trying to work on an issue when I don’t really even know what is going on right now. Maybe I just miss the magic. How do you find your own magic?

Brittany