Do You Need To Understand Me?

I have been thinking a lot about understanding myself, and also understand other people. I ultimately came to the conclusion that I rarely understand why I do the things that I do, so it is near impossible to understand why anyone else does the things they do. So I am sticking to only understanding myself. I have lived in a world where I never fully felt that I quite fit in. Like I was born on the wrong timeline, and that everything happening was chaotic and childish. I can recall being a child and watching all of these kids try to find a needle in a hay stack, it was a game they set up for kids at my dad’s company picnic, and I remember looking around thinking “I don’t know what I am doing here, and I don’t want to be playing this childish game.” The same incident happened in kindergarten when we had an Easter egg hunt. I was so happy my grandparents showed up, but I thought the idea of hunting Easter eggs was silly. Looking back now I still think how weird it was that my brain functioned that way.

To my surprise, as I have grown older, I have tried to understand the little girl inside me. In fact I spend a lot of time now talking to her, telling her I love her, and also apologizing to her for turning my back on her. The whole process strikes me as silly most of the time, but I still try to do it anytime I am feeling, worried, anxious, or paranoid. I use to think that if others understood me then maybe I would understand myself. I am not exactly sure when and where I made that connection, but I later learned that I did not so much want to be understood but accepted for exactly who I was. No matter how different that person was. I wondered if there would ever be another human on this planet, aside from immediate family that could fully accept me. The answer is still that I am not sure, which seems odd because I am engaged to be married. Maybe acceptance takes time, especially when you are getting to know someone. I have lived and experienced things, just as he, my fiancé, has. Things that he doesn’t understand and things that I don’t understand about him. I suppose I get so caught up in the understanding because I have a fear of losing everything. My brain says, if you understand then you can control the situation and prevent something bad from happening. While I know we have free will, at the same time I believe that we have control over what happens to us, and that can be really scary.

I have a lot of fear and I am not entirely sure where it stems from. Maybe it is unintegrated pain from past hurts. Maybe it I just remembering all the times I was so incredibly heartbroken. Or maybe it goes back to simply feeling like I didn’t belong. I am actually comfortable enough in my own skin now that it is okay for me to feel like an outsider. I mean I live in the middle of downtown, and I long to be in nature again. I live on the 28th floor and while it is absolutely gorgeous I so far from being grounded. I long to connect with people only I am surrounded by people who are so engrained in the matrix I wonder if they can even see me. So I sort of go through the motions. For a long time I did nothing. I have done nothing. I’ll attend my classes and do the work that is asked of me, and then nothing. The truth is I lost myself when I lost everything else. I have been so busy taking care of others, that I lost sight of what I wanted. In fact I didn’t understand what I wanted. I didn’t understand how I got to where I was. I didn’t understand who I was anymore. In some ways I still don’t quite understand.

I am starting to create again but the trouble isn’t create but instead remaining consistent. I stated before I always quite. I convince myself that I have no niche that my words don’t matter. They matter to me though, and isn’t my life my niche. I have felt like I didn’t belong here for so long, that I think I actually have convinced myself that it is true. If I was not meant to be here, if I did not have purpose then I know for certain that I wouldn’t be here. So, do I need you to understand me. The answer is no. I don’t believe that I need to understand you either. My job is to listen when you need to be heard, hold space for you when you need support, love you as God loves us all, and most importantly accept you for exactly who you are. I may not agree with everything people do, and honestly if their content of character is too toxic I will distance myself. However, it is not my place to make sense of the choices that people make, nor is it my place to judge, which if I am being honestly is not always easy. I am learning to set my own boundaries, and be unapologetically me. I am slowly but surely letting go of the things that no longer serve me, like friends that aren’t really friends, foods that are processed, and alcohol.

I want to build a beautiful bright loving life, that radiates out and create a ripple effect of light and love. I want this light to cast out onto the darkness of this work and transmute it. The evil in this world is undeniable especially now. If Covid-19 has done anything for the world, it has brought to light the evil and darkness that has taken over the planet. The veil has definitely been lifted and now it is time to do the work. I don't think our job is to change the world, I believe our job is too make us the best version of ourselves and then we become the change we want to see.

Sending you Love

Brittany