Scattered Thoughts of the Soul

It is so hard for me to enjoy this world when I know what is going on in it. So much evil corrupts this place and I makes me wonder when and where did it all go wrong. A world where people hoard money and goods, and where families are starving when they shouldn’t be. We are losing our freedoms to the hands of rich evil conspirators who only want power, control and money. So what can I do? I don’t have millions in the bank. Hell I don’t even have a job. I do not have a dream of working for a company to make someone else rich. A job that usually makes me miserable and the “people in charge” are traveling the world seeing beautiful things that I can only do if the job pays me enough and I work enough to earn time off. Even writing that sounds ridiculous to me. I know that people will say “well that is just how the world works.” I’m sorry but that can’t be how my world works. Not anymore.

I have fallen victim to the schemes of this world. I have racked up thousands in student loan debt, only to never find a place in the working world. However, these words aren’t meant to be a complaint but instead a call to action. I am asking God, The Universe, The angels, My higher self, what the hell am I supposed to do? What is the best way to go about healing myself? What steps should I be taking that are I the right direction?

I recently learned that the true sabbath is Saturday not Sunday. Had a read the bible more often I would have known that, but growing up that is not something that was really encouraged, so that strikes me as rather odd. I often wonder what I can trust in the Bible because there are so many things that we cannot trust. My fiancé and I had a small discussion about the Bible and the Catholic religion. I suppose he believes that I reject God altogether but the truth is I have never been Closer to Him. It may look different, and it may be a work in progress, but I don’t believe we should start comparing our relationship with God. I have to do what is right for me. I had to let all the parts that didn’t work fall away and the pieces are slowly but surely coming back together. Do I have unwavering faith, unfortunately no I don’t think I can. The truth is I just simply don’t understand a lot of things, but my mind is open to answers. I read that the true mark of a follower of Christ are those who worship the Sabbath on Saturday. I believe that I may start there because that is what makes sense to me.

Maybe I am not supposed to understand, maybe the mystery is an important part of this whole thing. I have faith that there is more than me, something much bigger than me that my mind cannot comprehend. If evil exist so does good, and I know I have faith in the Good and in God. I just want to understand my part a little better. I guess it starts with caring for myself. Mentally and physically. I know that I can feel myself changing in very small ways. The desire to drink the wine, or eat the processed burger are beginning to fall away. My body craves the sun, fresh foods, nourishment. Maybe that is what I should do, maybe that is my starting point.

I often struggle with my writing because I worry about what the reader would want to hear. There really is no way to know what the reader wants, so many of us don’t know what we need or want. I know that there are words that my soul wants to write, and while they are right there bubbling up I still struggle to tap into it. I am not sure if I am afraid of being seen or heard, but what I do know is that I am called to write. I have always been meant to write, and yet it is something that I do the least. Why do we hold ourselves back in this?

So many questions, that there is almost no time to enjoy this world. Maybe the answer is to stop for a moment and find some joy. But the world is broken, and we chose to be here during this time. We do have a purpose even if we are sure what that purpose is. Maybe it’s about being part of the side that is being silenced, to stand up for things that simply don’t feel right to us or for us. Maybe our job is to protect ourselves and our families the best that we can. Instead of leading with our words we should live our lives and lead by action. If I start taking better care of myself then it will encourage others to take care of themselves as well. If I experiments with healthy foods and supplements I can share those experiences with others as well. I am not one to lecture or tell people what to do. I am learning to stay away from anothers journey and I know now that if I feel that I am in too deep that I will need to find a way out.

The truth is I have my own life to live, with my own questions to answer, and I just want to share what I learn along the way.

Brittany