I Had A Miscarriage…But I Am Still Pregnant

I went on a work trip with my fiancé to Arkansas. It was a Thursday and I was waiting for him to get off work so that we could drive back home. My boobs were growing at an alarming rate but I was not showing yet. I felt sick, I was super tired and I did feel bloated but all in all physically you could not tell I was pregnant. There were no signs that anything was wrong. No pain, no changes. Then I went to the bathroom, and that is when I saw a flush of blood. I had been spotting but this was not spotting. I knew it was happening. I knew I was losing my baby, and it was the second time. My heart was broken.

I drove the 7 hours home in the middle of the night. I refused to carry out a miscarriage outside of my own home. The pain wasn’t severe but there were sharp pains that happened sporadically. The bleeding was not intense thank goodness and I was eventually able to get home. I went to bed that night not knowing what to expect. The miscarriage happened just the way it normally would. Heavy bleeding, some cramping, passing clots of tissue. Then the bleeding slowly subsided. The whole process took about two weeks. If COVID-19 has done anything for me, it has exacerbated my distrust in the medical field. So I decided to let my body miscarry naturally and I did not see a doctor. I waited three weeks to take a pregnancy test to make sure that everything cleared out. I was shocked to see a positive pregnancy test.

I immediately started googling. I scoured the internet for answers. The pregnancy hormone HCG can stay in your system for weeks even months, everyone is different. Then again, left over tissue in the uterus can cause your body to still believe it is pregnant. This can be rather dangerous if an infection develops. While I had no symptoms of an infection I did start to get worried. You see I don’t have insurance so you would be surprised how hard it is to find a doctor that will do just an ultrasound. Not to mention see a patient who may have had a miscarriage or is early in their pregnancy. (More on all of that later.) At least that was my experience. So I finally contacted a birthing center who pointed me into an alternative direction. I am still grateful for them. I made my appointment and was in to get an ultrasound the very next day.

It was a Tuesday morning, and the entire day was really odd. My appointment was not until 5pm so I had to wait the entire day and I was a MESS! Not just a little anxious but full blown ugly crying all day! If I am being honest I was not really crying about anything in particular either. I know I was worried about my appointment but my reaction and overwhelming emotion towards EVERYTHING and NOTHING AT ALL just really didn’t make sense to me. I just walked around the apartment sobbing uncontrollably. At one point, I laid on the closet floor and sobbed so hard it felt like I was releasing lifetimes of pain. I didn’t necessarily feel better or lighter after either. I came to the kitchen island and cried some more. I was talking to Luna, my frenchie, sobbing “What is wrong with me?!? I feel crazy!” It brings a smile to my face now, cause I am sure it was all hormones, but I really did feel crazy. Still do especially when something upsets me. HAHA

Finally it was time for me to leave for my appointment and it was a young girl and her grandmother that worked there. They were so kind to me. I walked into the room shaking because at this point I just really didn’t know what was going on in my uterus. Was I sick? Was there an infection? What if all this was because I actually had a tumor. A huge tumor was the reason that my bladder never felt empty, I was bloating so much, and couldn’t poop. Looking back now I kind if feel dumb lol.

The tech walked in and asked how I was. The tears began to flow…she gave me a hug and said she understood. I really do believe she did understand. She inserted the device and let out the most beautiful laugh I ever heard and she said “ Thank you Jesus.” I was looking at the screen but I didn’t understand. It all felt like it was sort of like a dream, like I wasn’t really looking at what I was looking at. She said “That is a healthy baby.” I responded with “That is my baby?” she said “YES!” I sobbed not believing my eyes. Then the most magical sound I’ll never forget came next. It was the sound of a strong heartbeat. We watched as my little one moved around. I asked if that was the baby moving or me she said that is your baby just moving around. I like to think he/she knew we were meeting for the first time. Maybe they were little kicks of joy to say hello.

It turns our I did have a miscarriage. I was pregnant with twins and lost one. While my heart breaks for the baby that didn’t make it, they will forever live in my heart with other babies that also didn’t make it. Miscarriages are hard, and people just do not talk about them enough. While they are common they are still such a heartbreaking experience. The baby that is still here, is truly a miracle, and already the strongest person I know:) I can’t be they chose me to be their mom :)

This happened only a week ago, and I am still in shock. I am sure it is just gas bubbles but sometimes I swear I can feel little flutters!

xoxo

Brittany