Fear…My Mindset

I didn’t begin this site at a point when my life is thriving. Quite the opposite in fact. I chose to begin this blog in a time of transition. I suppose you could say this is the aftermath of being kick in the ass for a solid two years. The only thing that I am certain of, is that I know nothing at all, and nothing stays the same no matter how badly you want them to.

The truth is there are times that I miss my old life. I had a cute little house with my dog and my cat. I was single and had money in the bank. Things were quiet, and consistent. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted and I kept a small circle of friend so there was really no drama. My health flourished my yoga game was fierce, and strong and my mental health improved tremendously. My life was not extraordinary but it was content, quiet and simple and I really grew to love that life.

The Universe didn’t let me keep that life….

I no longer live in my little house. I moved in with my sister into a new house after her husband died. I travel back in forth between her house and my loving boyfriends apartment in downtown. I no longer have the stability that I was so used to which has caused so many unhealthy byproducts. Things have not been easy for years, and there is little to no consistency in my own life. My finances were destroyed, my mental health deteriorated, and my yoga practice became non existent. I experienced long term unemployment, burnout, and so much loss. My head was barely above water for so long that therapist explained that I am now in a constant state of survival mode.

My faith has been shaken. Days have passed where I had little to no hope at all. Times were very dark, and the loneliness I felt haunts me. Not because no one was around, but the fact that I felt so alone in this world. I wondered and often still do if there world is as magical as I once thought. How do you make sense of a world where you beg for mercy and only receive silence in return? Did anyone hear my prayers?

So now I am here at the aftermath of it all. I have learned that things aren’t always toxic because they aren’t simple. Instead they are powerful teachers. However, I still know that fear calls the shots in my life at the moment and that is infuriating. It’s why I took a low paying job and every single day I’m stuck in traffic knowing there is more to life than what I am doing.

My life is unrecognizable, even I am unrecognizable. I may not know where I am going, but I do know that I am headed somewhere. However, I am still processing all that has happened. While these hardships may eventually make me a better person, I am not at all interested in looking at the lesson. I am only interested integrated my pain, and then maybe I can move on.

xoxo

Britt