Everything Is Heavy…
I am trying to write more consistently but as I have said before consistency is not one of my stronger areas. I think I keep hitting a wall because I am trying to offer up nuggets of wisdom or something but maybe that isn’t my purpose right now. I leave a seemingly boring life, mostly in part because I am an introvert that likes to be indoors. It is easy to get into a rut. In fact I am fighting that right now. I have lost about 6lbs and I found that and haven’t worked out for two days. Such a strange reaction right? Sometimes I wonder if I have a fear of succeeding, seeing results, moving forward. As much as I dislike being a rut deep down I know I am comfortable here. I want excitement but not the kind that is so painful.
Listening to my heart is an ongoing journey. If I am being honest it is an ongoing battle. I feel like I don’t hear anything or feel anything. You always hear people say that we have all the answers. I just really don’t feel that way right now. A tip I heard is that when I wake up in the morning before I check in with the world I need to check in with myself. So that is what I am doing. Every morning I wake up and check in with myself. My mind races, but still I listen. “Body what do you need?” “Heart what do you have to say?” “What do you need from me?”… then comes the silence and the endless thoughts that make no sense. Please tell me why my brain is telling me to continue to be pissed at my boyfriend about something he did two years ago. Seeing as I am working on forgiveness I am trying to not look backwards. It is first thing in the morning and my brain is running a mile a minute about crap that doesn’t even matter. Maybe that is the point of checking in with myself. Now I know why some of the days I wake up not feeling my best because I have already started the day on the wrong foot.
Another tip I received was to be extremely grateful for the day no matter how it went, and to expect a good day the next day and to always believe in miracles. However, it seems like every time I do this the day ends up being complete shit. I did just a few days ago and my boyfriend who wakes up in an incredible mood always suddenly woke up in the crabbiest mood ever. While it didn’t ruin my day it still didn’t help with setting the tone for the day. My mind seems cluttered, and my body seems heavy. I am not so sure I am carrying only my stuff anymore. I mean have you seen the state of the world right now?! Not exactly paradise. However, I often have this belief that I am here to transmute some of the pain in this world. Not the most glamourous job but it feels good to know that I am doing my part. I also thought I would do something on a massive scale. Maybe one day I will but for now I don’t believe that to be the case.
I am often worried I am not where I am supposed to be, simply because I envision a life much different than now. Sometimes I feel like I am not living my life at all. Yet I don’t know what else I should be doing. It would be a lot more fun to wake up excited everyday but the truth is I still need to create and at the same time I don’t know what to create. Patience has never been a strong point of mine either. Maybe I should simply start accepting, but isn’t that what I have been doing? Accepting less than I deserve? Otherwise, why would I be in the state right now?
As always I will keep trying to move forward. Maybe this is just me hitting my first wall and instead of just falling back into my hold ways I need to keep building these new habits. I need to navigate forward so that I can be in a different place than I am now.
My love is with you all,
Brittany