I Am Enough

For the past three weeks, a shift has been happening. I have FLOODED, I mean FLOODED my psyche with motivational speeches and positive messages. I almost said I have been desperate to change, but this is not out of desperation; this is about determination. This is about demanding that I become the person that I have known for years that I can be. I have turned off all social media for the time being. I have a new counter on my phone, and in 6 months, I will see who I am.

Nothing is set in stone. This is just an experiment, but I know that I will be making changes and doing things differently. For the longest time, I have needed the world to tell me that I am worthy and enough. My whole life, I have needed this. I have required people to validate I was important, that I mattered, and that they needed me. Then, one day, I realized no one needed me. Fast forward almost ten years, and I have learned that my daughter and I need me.

My daughter is 14 months old and has lived through more than most people have. She is a fighter, explorer, thinker, and determined. She chose parents who have their struggles, and she chose a mother who didn’t know how to be a mother and still doesn't. I cry every day because I get to be Quinn’s mom, and I call every day for all the ways I have already messed up. One thing is for sure. I LOVE HER. I LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY! She has taught me that, just as my grandfather taught me. Now, I am learning to love myself the same way. Despite all my mistakes and tendency to attract the wrong things in life, I am still amazing.

I so desperately needed to love myself that the world was mirroring that to me. The world does not show my worth because I have never felt worthy. That explains all of my horrible jobs, toxic relationships, and toxic people. I made decisions out of desperation and it has always been that way!

Finding my worth in my darkest days has been one of the world's most challenging but beautiful things. I have had to sit with who I have been for years, and it makes me cringe. I have been so angry, lonely, and rejected because this is everything I was doing to myself. I ran off very little, hoping to get to a different place, and the universe stopped me. The universe said, No, this is the wrong way and made me listen.

I have come to this new understanding that it is not the world, the universe, or even God that dictates the direction of our lives. Instead, the universe is a tool we can use to reach our true potential. This is just a theory, but I plan to implement it. I am leaping because there are two options: I can fall, or I can fly, but one thing is for sure, and that is that I will be able to get back up and keep going because that is what I do.

There is a fire inside of me that is brighter and brighter, and I know that there are people around me who would like to see me small and who will try to extinguish that fire, but they won’t. I ask the universe now to guide me. I ask the universe to give me a sign that this is the right course. I ask the universe now to help me take the leap and fly!

Brittany