Is It All A Game?
Part of this leveling up business meant I would take some time away from social media and hush on this process. I didn’t make some significant declaration to the world or my social media, even my family, about what my plan was and still is. I still haven’t said anything.
No one knows of the endless motivational speeches I listen to whenever possible. Or the abundance affirmation tracks ( I know, cringe.. but I need all the resources I can get). The countless minutes, even hours, I have spent meditating, guided, of course, cause I don’t know what the fuck I am doing, haha. The short runs I take to get rid of the anger. The 100s feel like thousands of times daily; I redirect my thoughts to the present moment. I am typing it out on my little corner of the universe blog that no one reads because I am fucking proud of myself and I want to document and celebrate how hard I am working.
When I tried to make significant changes in the past, I did for external reasons. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t for the right reasons. I mean, I wanted to better myself, but not because that is what I truly enjoyed. It was more about not being in the situation I was in. I wasn’t changing the hard habits. Looking back, I feel like I had no real intention of changing things forever or letting parts of myself go forever. Who likes goodbyes, I sure don’t, but this time, something is different.
Do I want to level up? Yeah, but it’s coming from a play of self-love. I am not going for a run to get a better-looking body. I am going because it helps with my anxiety and anger and makes me feel better. I want to process what no longer serves me. I am eating better food and drinking herbal teas because I have spent years destroying my body, and it’s time to heal because my body deserves that! Everything I am doing is because it is an act of self-love and for no other external reason. I mean, do I want to be able to interact in my environment in a more balanced manner? Yes, but this comes from a place of genuine love for me.
My brain is still trying to convince me daily that because of all the mistakes I have ever made, this means that I ultimately deserve all the bad things that have happened and all the bad things that will happen in the future. The truth is I have hurt people, not because I am a hateful person and set out to do that but because depending on the chapter of my life mistakes were made. The truth is I made a lot of the wrong ones. I could be selfish only because I desperately wanted to be accepted or loved. I never really knew that before, but I know that now.
I have carried the shame and guilt for many, many, MANY years for the pain I have caused others. Even a tiny part of me may have gone above and beyond to try and make up for past mistakes. Only sometimes. There are friendships that I genuinely cared about, and I loved their kids and did whatever I could for them because I was happy to. The hardest thing was giving up one-sided or no longer wanted friendships. The humiliation that comes with reaching out to a friend, and they want nothing to do with you for whatever reason, is something I will not soon forget.
Yesterday, my baby daddy discussed a salary offer with his friends. They low-balled his friend. I won’t lie, and I cannot help but think this huge billion-dollar company was seeing what it could get away with. So they were talking about a plan to renegotiate and all of this, and I couldn’t help but compare this one situation to how all of life seems to work.
People come into our game. They shake up our world, uplift us, betray us, love us, and hate us. All of which have one ultimate goal. To help us level up. I was on my Monday morning walk/run to burn all that energy I have that is rage, and at one point, a vision came into my mind. I was on that same walk, looking over my shoulder, moving forward, and watching the old me fade into nothing. Honestly, it was not a happy vision. The old me was unhealthy, begging not to be left, and then she just vanished.
The truth is I don’t hate the older version of myself. She had a purpose, but the way she just vanished like that, I don’t know, was unsettling. I don’t see how any of this works, but I am still looking ahead. Even with each setback, I keep moving forward. Getting fired and pushing back my graduation date may not have been what I asked for, but it certainly took off the shackles I wore. While not ideal, the situation opened me up to limitless opportunities, and I am grateful for that.
I am still going to show up every day the way I currently am, even though I don’t know exactly where this is headed. The only thing I am afraid of now is that the world is not as magic as I would hope.
That said, I can’t help but notice all the synchronicities and repeating numbers, and there is an underlying excitement that I cannot deny.
Stay tuned
Brittany