What is Enough?
To change my life, I write every day for 10 minutes minimum. I am a writer. I love to write but often don't make time for it because I have lived on autopilot for so long. I mean, it isn’t helpful, right? It is contributing anything to anyone. That is what my negative and self-defeating mind would have me believe. My writing is my gift, even if it’s just for me. It was something that God gave me when God agreed to have me navigate this world. I remember I used to send my work out to get published. Yeah, a few things were, but mostly, I was rejected. It made me angry to know that someone out there had to decide whether my writing was good enough. It is why I created this space. My work doesn’t have to go to someone who calls themselves an editor to tell me, “No, I am sorry your gift is not good enough.” No, thank you.
Some days, I journal, and after I journal, I do what I call "free writing.” So many times, I have read people say it is not their writing. It is something else speaking to them; they are just the vehicle to get it on paper. I was always mesmerized by this. I figured I would try it since I have nothing to lose. Maybe it is like a muscle, and the more I do it, the easier it gets. In my experience so far, I guess it’s pretty interesting. My mind and thoughts are still in the way, but something interesting came up today.
The voice is rather blunt and to the point but not mean. To preface, there is an underlying level of fear that I can’t shake inside me. I’m not sure if that ever really goes away, but I think I can at least get it under control so that I am not sabotaging myself left and right. This voice went on to say…
“What is this fear? What is this that you don’t want to fail? You haven’t even done anything yet. If you listen to this belief, wouldn’t it mean you are already a failure? You are beating yourself up for mistakes and all these things, so didn’t you already fail? Now you want to move forward and say to yourself I don’t want to be a failure…but you already call yourself that. What do you have to lose then?”
What a crazy thing to come out of me, but it makes so much sense. Why am I so scared of failure if my brain constantly tells me what a failure I already am? Am I afraid of failing more? There is a difference between failure and mistakes, and yeah, I have made many mistakes, but I don’t think I have failed. I am not even sure what type of failure I am so afraid of, yet I make all these excuses as to why I am insufficient. You aren’t smart enough, good enough, or strong enough, a constant maddening cycle of negative thoughts on replay in my brain. I might not have followed my dreams because I believed I had no ideas that I am not enough. I think I wasn't creative enough or experienced enough, but really what is enough? What is this enough that I am desperately trying to live up to but yet can precisely define? This imaginary place I need to be to put myself out there. What is enough?
What if I choose to be enough right now? To decide for me that I am enough. I am enough to be a writer. Oh, I know. I hear you, brain. But you never went to school for that. You never did this, you never did that, you need to do this, and you need to do that. Yes, I hear you, but to that, I say…ENOUGH!
XOXO
Brittany