What Shame Isn’t.

Summer and Fall have come and gone so quickly and just like the seasons I have undergone another huge transformation. Life is crazy that way. I thought becoming a mother would be the big transformation for a while but not only is motherhood this constant surrendering and letting go of who I once was, but life also had a lot more in store for me. I do not entertain the idea of knowing how the universe works. However there is a theory out there that we choose to come here, and with that choice, our memory is wiped clean so that we do not know what is in store for us during this life because if we knew we would be like “Fuck no, I am not doing any of that.” Given the last few years of my life. I would have to say yes I totally agree with that.

While I am so grateful for the exponential growth I have experienced throughout these years. It has been one of the hardest things of my life. As I write this I can’t help but think about the way Hurricane Ike completely wiped out Crystal Beach in 2008. There was NOTHING left but the concrete foundation. The ocean literally sucked up all the debris. It was eerie. I wouldn’t say that my life is as eerie as that but parts of me are truly unrecognizable. Some parts are amazing and well some parts need some work, but overall the woman I am becoming is something that I actually am very proud of. I bring this up because I believe that is what stage I am in. I believe that everything was ripped apart and now it is time to rebuild starting with a solid foundation. What a special gift.

This latest season of my life was centered a lot around shame. Prior, I would look in the mirror and my face was just a reminder of all the mistakes I had ever made. The truth is I didn’t like what I saw. Not my physical appearance. No, it was much deeper than that. At my very core, I did not like me. My shame has been in the driver's seat for most of my life. I was not made aware of that until recently. (Maybe September) I have my own therapist who is amazing, but by accident, I was basically seeing a second therapist once a month because I was kind of forced. I wasn’t therapy per se but it was similar. What I learned is that guilt and shame are NOT the same thing but I had been treating them as such.

Long story short I was asked not to give shame the attention, and quite frankly I thought I might explode. To my surprise, I didn’t disintegrate into dust but within a few days, I felt a lot lighter. I felt better. I could look in the mirror and feel like I was worth being here. Self-worth ties into everything, and when it’s low, it will bleed into all aspects of your life and destroy it When it’s destroyed it leaves you feeling even worse. It’s a horrible vicious cycle and I don’t wish it on anyone.

While the origins of my low self-worth are still up for debate, what was important was acknowledging and admitting that I didn’t like myself at my core for a variety of reasons.

Proceed with caution doing inner child work. When this concept was introduced to me I laughed. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. Despite feeling incredibly stupid I embarked on the journey with my therapist more out of curiosity than anything else. In this place, I found so many missing links a lot of which had to do with my anger. Anger bubbles up for me a lot and in one very tearful session, I discovered the only person I was really angry at was myself. Angry for ignoring myself for so long. Something that got much worse after becoming a mom.

I used my shame as a way to protect myself. In my mind, if I punished myself enough then I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. It wasn’t enough for me that my mistakes often had very dire consequences. No no, I needed to ruminate and constantly rip myself apart on a regular basis. Not doing that has been really freeing. (Obviously) I no longer feel like I am the only one who has ever made a mistake in their life. I treated people as such. Another person’s opinion of me hurt a little more because I incorrectly perceived others as never having made a mistake. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES! So my unsolicited advice to you is to check yourself before judging another. Chances are you are not much better than whatever you are judging. In fact, are you pointing the finger at someone else so that you don’t have to acknowledge something in yourself you don’t want to see? That was the case for me a lot of the time. I don’t believe EVERYTHING is a mirror. I believe sometimes people are just assholes, and toxic. I do believe that everything is a teacher in its own way.

I want to make it clear that I am not excusing all of my mistakes. In my 20’s I was a pretty selfish person. I hurt some people and some of the choices that I made were not okay. However, I am no longer looking at my 20-something-year-old self through a lens of disgust. I was young, immature, and lost and most of all I was hurting. As are most people in their 20’s. Actually, we are all hurting to some degree all the time. I felt invisible because I treated myself like I didn’t matter. Everything I needed were things I was actively not giving myself. I am not in contact with anyone from those years for a variety of reasons but I would imagine they would have something to say if they found out I was a therapist now.

I believe the life that I live and the choices that I have made are the reasons why I will continue to grow and be a terrific therapist. Every setback, mistake, less then less-than-desirable situation, has all been an opportunity to learn and grow. I could have chosen to be a victim, I could still be harboring all of that anger but instead, I have chosen not to.

I don’t know if we get more than one life, but if we don’t then I know for certain that I am here now and I have an opportunity to feel fully, live authentically, and do so unapologetically. Take accountability. Don’t be a victim. Most of all love yourself and take care of yourself just as you love and take care of others… if not more!!

Cheers,

Brittany