Life Transition: Leveling Up
I cannot believe that the last time I wrote here was back in February, mere days before my daughter would be transported to CICU at Texas Childrens Hospital. Everything changed that day and I have been harboring a lot of anger. Anger because of my daughter’s diagnosis, anger because of truths that have been revealed in my field of work, my graduation date being pushed back, meaning even longer I will be working UNPAID and learning that many other interns like myself are enduring the nightmare of being an intern. It is almost as if we are being hazed, and the byproduct is poor mental health, zero confidence, strained finances, strained relationships, and for some, even poor physical health.
Burnout is very real, and since leaving my internship sight, I had no idea just how much I was going through the motions. I was barely surviving. My weight has gotten down to 105 lbs. I was a solid 124 when this process started. I kept pushing and I kept going cause I only had 7 weeks left. I could do anything for 7 weeks just let me push through. Back in August, I wrote a post about being a mother first. I believe that is when things truly started to become clear for me. It has proven to be almost impossible to be a mother and graduate intern. To meet all the demands and still be deemed inadequate is enough to break you. I know that it did me.
There are PLENTY of therapists out there who have gone through the same grueling process that I have, so why am I the one complaining? Why can people put their heads down and finish the work without making everything harder for themselves? That is a great question to which I do not have an answer. Given the circumstances of my life, I find that my anger has exacerbated my emotions toward the injustices in my field and the world in general. As I await my impending punishment for a mistake I made last week involving discussing unlivable wages with a peer, I have gone over everything in my heart and wonder if I have made the wrong choice for my career. A part of me wants to quit not to have to deal with the inevitable shame-induced piling on that will ensue when superiors decide a time they want to schedule a meeting with me. I assume their lack of urgency is only part of the punishment.
I could quit, but what would that prove? I would have wasted all this time and money to let two other normal human beings, for lack of a better word, “win.” There are no winners here. Or I could not quit, see this through and trust that the universe has something in store for me. I choose the latter because that is an experience I would feel better sharing with my daughter when she is older. I see where I went wrong, and I can also see my naiveté and immaturity. I am fortunately in a better circumstance than a lot of people, and honestly, I feel that my disconnection from the outside world, as I have been going to school, and raising my daughter, I did lose sight of just how blessed I am, and for that, I do have regrets. I became careless in my anger. I often feel I work so hard constantly to find nothing at the finish line, and quite frankly, this master’s degree is no different for now.
Not all is lost. For a minute, I questioned my place in this world; even now, as I write this, I can’t help but think that my presence here is some cosmic joke as I do not know how to function in this so-called “real world.” Nevertheless, I am happy to be here. I love watching Quinn grow and discover herself and her perception of the world. I live for her smiles and laughter. Her cuddles are the best part of my day. Becoming a mother has been the best thing in my life. She has shown me a love I never experienced before, and most importantly, she brought me back to myself, my femininity. She makes me want to be a better person and show her that even if you are different, that can be amazing.
There is a quote that says that if you do not fit into the world, it is because you were meant to create something different. I will continue to remind myself of this as I storm through these rough waters. The truth is I am not happy with the place I am at and the situation that I am in. I feel reserved and quiet. There are only a few words other than what I am typing here. I spend most of the day reflecting and wondering what on earth I can create for myself to get off this hamster wheel. How does one become financially free? I want to do what I love, raise my daughter, travel, and see this world with my family without all the bullshit, gatekeepers, and financial strains. I struggle with people having the ability to impact the direction in which my life goes. I have always had a problem with that, so I am so angry now. I am not keen on acting a certain way and saying the right thing. That is not me. How can I still be unapologetically me without fucking up my life in the process?
We shall see.
Brittany