Life Update: What Just Happened!?
Hello from my tiny corner of the world.
I know I disappear; I tend to do that. If you had listened to my podcast at all last year, you would know that I was utterly overwhelmed by my new role as an intern and also being a mother is my beautiful 9-month-old (can you believe how old she is!) My lower back ages a million years not sure what happened there. I started to get headaches. I don’t know. Everything was just really really hard. I believe internships are archaic and if I am being honest, it threw a wrench in my life and also my family’s life. I not only want to be away from my daughter but the added expense of child care only for me to go to work and not bring home anything is a burden and I am grateful that my fiancé is hanging in there just a little longer. It is not easy I know and I can understand his frustrations. I do hope they change this program soon as it is not really attainable for everyone.
Quinn is learning and growing everyday and I am just in awe of this tiny human. Parenting has proven to be one of the biggest teachers of my life. Having Quinn has made me aware of where I thrive and where I could gain possibly a new perspective or even incorporate new healthier habits. I not only want to be the best for Quinn but I want to be these best for myself and my family. Learning to juggle my life as a mom, a new therapist, and wife, it tends to get overwhelming.
Being a new mom comes with its only crises. I never knew that when I became a mother I would struggle with so many different things. Like that I don’t want to be just a mother, that I still want to be me! I reminisce about my old life even before I was in a relationship and I was overwhelmed with guilt knowing that a part of me missed that like. I thought that meant I was not happy now but I know in my core that isn’t the truth. I could not imagine my life without Quinn or her father. I suppose I just miss the simplicity sometimes because everything was just so hard for so long.
They say that the first weeks when a baby arrives you really just survive. That was true. Then when my internship started it felt the same way. I have learned to take one day at a time. No day is the same anymore and that has taken some time to get use to as well. When I feel like a glimmer or a routine is starting Quinn is sure to make sure she changes it up. December and January were fairly difficult. Her brain was changing, teeth were coming in, and it was just so hard. She was in pain and she was mad and there was nothing I could do to make her happy. Thankfully we are all in a better place and while things are never really calm for me. I am slowly getting out of survival mode and starting to attempt to live a life again.
My client have cancelled today and I allowed myself to take some time and get a breakfast and a coffee and finish some work and here I am typing and it is glorious. That little part of me that I was so scared that I had lost is still there and it is nice to just be me for a second.
My time as therapist is now starting to move in a direction of its own making. I have worked a lot at face value just trying to show up and get everything done. Now that the dust is beginning to settle I am not able to start learning again and growing. I am learning more about my clients and how to dig a little deeper. Learning new tools so that I can really get to know, and better understand what my clients are experiencing. I am happy that I am still passionate about this work and I am just being careful as to not burn out. My graduation is so close to someone on the outside looking in, but for me it still seems so far away. Now more than ever though especially having a child I am learning to live in the moment. It sounds so cliche but it truly is where I am the happiest.
As for my conspiracies theories. I still think there is a terribly dark agenda out there but I am no longer obsessed with the details. I am learning to live my life on day at a time as well starting my journey of truly healing my body. I was lost in my external environment for awhile so much so that I was fearful. I decided to wake up each day and live, and be a mother to my daughter and make her laugh and watch her grow and protect her where I can. I no longer want to give into the fear. What happens will happen but the one thing I can control is myself. If there is an agenda to kill us all well then I say take care of yourself so much that you are hard to kill. I will have more deets on the my health and wellness journey soon! I am just getting started.
As for my podcast, don’t worry I will be back. I love my podcast but with an unpredictable child it has made it hard, but I am getting close and working on some things. I miss my podcast and will be back soon.
I do hope you all are doing well! If you are reading know that I am send you much love!
XOXO
Brittany