I Am Unapologetically A Mother First

Wow it has been a minute since I have had the time to write. Being a mom has been one of the strangest, most amazing, and hardest transitions of my life. I really can’t believe I am the girl that runs on no sleep and gets ready for work while pumping my boobs. It really does not get more real than that. I went from having all the time in the world to having no time at all. I wish there were more hours in the day. More hours to spend with my daughter, more hours to spend with my partner, more time to work. I just need more time. If you listen to my podcast at all you will know that I am not handling my internship and motherhood very well. I hate leaving my baby and it is amazing to me just how unsupportive women are when it comes to working and having kids. Maybe I was naive, or maybe I really am just immature for my age as my professor said.

Things have been hard but I would not trade my life. Had I understood what this internship would turn out to be, I would have taken more time off. I don’t believe we were built to be away from our babies. I hate breast pumps and how they look and feel. It is all so unnatural!! I look at that picture of me below and I can’t even believe that is me. I am a mom! I am a TIRED mom! I can’t help but think how so far removed from what society once was. Women use to supportive of each other, raise their babies together, vent! Now it seems like you are in it for yourself and I refuse to accept that that is “just the way it is”. I am so sick of hearing that.

I just want more time. More time to spend with the baby but also more time to write. I have zero time for me and it is so strange that this is expected and accepted. Women get ridiculed for needed time for themselves, when in my opinion mothers are the one that need it most. I get home from an unpaid internship (which makes it worse in my opinion) and I have to try to take care of the baby, finish school work, paperwork, clean the house, do the laundry… and be expected to still have energy at the end of the day.

Getting Ready for Work

The truth is I never thought this would be my life but at the same time I didn’t know what I wanted my life to be. The road to this point has been so hard, but isn’t life’s entire journey just that…hard. My daughter was always a part of me and I wouldn’t know my life without her now. I exist for her and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that I don’t own my daughter. She is her own vehicle in which her own soul resides. However, she does need me now and I here fully for that. I will never be the same, having carried and now caring for my daughter. I am unapologetically a mother first, even if that means I am not the best at other things in my life right now.

Learning together

Society forgets that when a new baby is born a new mom is born as well. I am navigating this new chapter, and I am learning this new world alongside my child. There are sleepless nights and challenging days but I am always there: learning, growing, and changing. So while my professor says she sees and unprofessional, fidgety, distracted student, I look in the mirror and I see a new mom trying to finish her Master’s degree. My professor may see me fidgeting on my zoom call, but I know that I hear my baby crying but I am obligated to sit there in that meeting even though it is killing me that I can’t tend to her. My professor may see a lack to detail but maybe I simply made a mistake because I have had 3 hours of sleep in 3 days.

I never wanted to be the girl who had to say “but I have a baby". I understand that my baby is not my school’s or even my job’s concern. The real world is not easy and I am not expecting special treatment just because I am a mom. However, to accuse a women of being unprofessional and immature when it was never an issue before, I feel that maybe me being a new mom might be a contributing factor, not an excuse. The truth is I thought I could do it all but I can’t. I thought I wouldn’t need help but I have no shame in saying I do. My badge of honor is not my exhaustion.

There are so many important things happening in my life all at once but honestly I am a mother first. Does our society believe that once a woman becomes a mother she is no longer human? The truth is I am not the best student right now and I am not sure where the will lead. I am not giving but if there is no room for a new mother to be an intern then the choice is clearly made for me.

XOXO

Brittany